Here’s the dips… Life is crazy, families are crazier and love is the craziest.
Until this year I have always been very positive that my only shot at romance was the very insanely unlikely possibility that I would get over the last guy enough to open up to the prospect of a new guy and then we would actually meet and fall in love and make it work and maybe I would get married again someday.
What really happened was way more unlikely and… honestly beyond any happiness I ever really thought I could ever experience. Seriously… I’ve been there, done it, read the book, wrote it, burned it. My “best scenario” was an underestimation of all that God really had for me, and I had no idea until it hit me. Until love hit me. True, real, unconditional as human love can get kind of love. It came at a cost but everything worth anything comes at a cost, and while the cost was, is, and will be hefty— its the best investment of life and risk and love and greatness that I have ever made.
I met Melinda in an unlikely place. I instantly was drawn to her from an unlikely instantaneous time. We went from acquaintances to best friends in about 72 hours and the next transition, stage, step, however you want to phrase it, was the CRAZIEST leap of love and faith I never fathomed. I started to realize that I felt something greater than “friendship” for her. I thought— I fall in love with people all the time. Its my nature to love quickly and deeply. —But… it was more. It was uncomfortably more. And yet so comfortable! I left for a month (previous posts follow this separation)… I thought the gap in space and time together would clear the feelings. I thought I might be able to figure it all out and get a grip on what was happening. Of course I only missed her more, and we called, talked, Tumbld, Facebooked, Facetimed and communicated as often and in any possible way that we could. I thought about her more intensely. I loved her more, even.
But how could it ever be possible? How could it really be real? Was I just overly attached to her? Did we get too close too fast? Was this an unhealthy relationship? Were these feelings wrong? Christianity has so many things to say about “homosexuality”. It was a topic I myself avoided because one side of my world was always pushing one way and the other side of my world the other. I simply avoided both… though I have always leaned toward tolerance, equality and acceptance in all things. (How can it be Christian to reject, judge or discriminate? How is that Christ-like at all??) But now— with all these feeling and this sudden confrontation of the issues— I was going to have to really investigate my feelings about the issues and investigate the issue without the biases of either side of the topic.
This time wasn’t peaceful. I’m not going to lie… I was worried. i was worried that my feelings would give people the right, somehow, to dislike me, hate me or worse ignore my right to impact the world! Does being gay cancel my voice? Does it make my love less valuable? Does it make me less lovable? Is God going to hate me, or burn me in hell?
What I learned from the Bible was that Jesus never breached the topic, the term “homosexuality” doesn’t appear the same amount of times in different translations of the Bible, and it is often in reference to a severely lustful culture, with people completely disconnected from God by choice. The laws of Leviticus were often obscure, and seemed to be in place to benefit some cultural or survival relevance of the times.
But most importantly… I read about the nature of God. A God of love and family who desires his children to live and love others. It does not say, only love if you are perfect. It does not say I will only love you if you are perfect. Is it definitive, that homosexuality is ok? No. But it is not definitive the other way either. And I have realized… over time and in my personal experience and journey of faith… that God is not about religion. God is about relationship. Conversation is not only possible but detrimental to relationship. Without communication, fresh and constant communication, relationship crumbles. All this is to say, I prayed. I prayed repeatedly about this. And over and over I felt God giving me peace about Melinda. I watched Him show his Love and His wisdom through her. Confirmation after confirmation. Whenever I felt insecure it was, upon further investigation, after some intolerant or biased comment or conversation… because, for some reason the “GAY” issue is the new deflector for the real issues of the world.
I am still finding my identifications regarding my recent love life status change. My discover was not sexual. It was not about realizing a long, deep underlying attraction to the other sex. It was a discovery about love. I realized that I loved somebody more than just as friends. I felt attraction for this person, yes, and I felt like I wanted to express every kind of romantic gesture toward this love of mine. It was simply that… She was a she. Unexpectedly, yes. Did I care? I didn’t. Woah. I didn’t. I don’t. Its greater than judgements and opinions and societal norms that are ever changing— this love of ours— its the second biggest thing I’ve ever experienced. The first was when I fell in love with God. It seems fitting that the second should be falling in love again… with Melinda- My Malibeaux. And both, I have no doubt literally at all, I will love ENDLESSLY.
This thought and these realizations are so much deeper than I am capable of articulating… and I could literally go on for innumerable days. But this is our story. From my perspective.
OH!! The greatest part of this story! Melinda felt the same. Before I knew!! Before we talked!! Thank GOD!
And THIS IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!! :D She says everything I didn’t say :)
This blog started as a creative expression between two fast friends, who somehow, through miracles of God’s plan have ENTIRELY too many things in common. We discovered soooo many times that our thoughts or experiences or feelings about things aligned exactly. And what’s more amazing is that the things that didn’t align were nearly perfectly complimentary to each other. We loved each other’s sense of humor immediately and quickly discovered that we enjoyed each other’s brains even more.
I loved Ashley’s company so much, that any tinge of loneliness I had begun to feel - living alone with minimal friends in a beautiful beach town - was gone completely. We spent as much time together as we could, without even realizing we were. She held me at night, encouraged me during insecure moments, sang with me, cried with me, and lived with me.
Then, Ashley left for Christmas break. Almost a full month morse than 1,000 miles away, all the way across the country. It was rough, but also so formative. I realized during that time - and I found out later Ashley was going through the same realization - that I needed her more than I thought, that it wasn’t a normal attachment to a close friend, that the tingly feeling that ran through my entire body like a tiny lightning bolt wasn’t nothing, that I loved her more than anyone I’ve ever shared life with. Without her around, I felt incomplete. I finally understood what “my other half” meant.
But then, we had talked about our friendship, how different it was from a normal friendship but how it was oddly unromantic. Soulmates we called each other. Meash - that’s what we are. So I wrestled with the prospect of loving a woman, spending the rest of my life with someone as unexpected as a she. I wrestled with the possible false reality that I was straight my whole life, that I’d imagined my life with a husband and children, a normal future. I begged for an explanation and for guidance in prayers to the God I’d gotten to know so closely, especially recently, with the help of Ashley. What in this beautiful earth was I gunna do!? So I waited soooo impatiently for her to come home.
And then she came home… And then reality was real. Being together in the same room, the same car for the first time in a month, was … what’s the best way to describe it? It was like drowning in syrup, like being told your only child would remain behind a glass wall for the rest of her life and you would never be able to touch her or ever really know her, like carrying around an invisible weight and not being to tell people about it! It was torturous that I couldn’t tell my soulmate that I’d fallen in love with her, deeply, completely, no-going-back-ever-ly!
Luckily for both of us, our denial ended the night she came home. Just staring at each other for hours (or however long, I couldn’t tell you) was confirmation enough that my feelings were mutual. But of course (if cliches didn’t already fit this story enough), it was confirmed in a kiss… well a few of them… ANYWAY.
So, now, we’ve spent a few months warming our families and friends up to the new reality of our lives, that we are deeply and entirely in love with each other, that we love each other more every day, and that we know our lives will be “ours” full of more “we”s than “I”s.
This is Meash’s transformation, from soul mates to soul mates in love. Now that you know, we can continue with our journey of life together and share it with you!
We are leaving in less than two days for a 2 month road trip around the country! So stay tuned for amazing adventures!!!!!!
This is a post from one of my other blogs, a blog I share with my soulmate, my girlfriend. We are slowly revealing our true relationship to the world. We’ve already told our loved ones; they’ve had time to warm up to it, so it’s time for my blogs to know each other :)
If you’ve like to follow the experiences and adventures of two lovestruck shes, then head on over to ShuttheMeashUp and follow us! Also, the Facebook world will be the last to be privy to the details of our relationship, so please keep this among us tumblr trolls! :) Thanks for loving thoughts!